Realistically idealistic daydreamer, seasoned procrastinator, atheist and monarchist with a secret agenda and a slight inclination towards voodoo practices.
Oh my, looks like I haven't been here in a while...
So anyways, to keep the things moving, here is what I have for you today. We had a nice little discussion on our forum the other day, about cheating in a relationship. The actual entry post is here, written by my friend Kimchi:
Cat and I have just had a conversation about cheating and I'm going to share with you our realizations. Keep in mind that this comes from a married woman of 8 years and a singleton (but was in a commited relationship for 6 years and did cheat and was cheated on).
Boys, Girls, shit happens. We cannot control who we meet and our attraction to them. This is not saying you should go out and sleep with every person that you are attracted too, but just that you should not hold your significant other to a higher set of standards than you hold yourself. Can anyone honestly say that they would never ever cheat?
There are rules to infidelity though. 1) Don't tell your significant other! Unless you are planning on leaving them for this person keep your big mouth shut! Why would you needlessly hurt someone. You fucked up, you cheated, you deal with the guilt, don't pull your partner into it.
2) No prostitutes and no feelings. Affairs happen but deciding to leave your wife/husband for that other person is disrespectful and hurtful. And prostitutes do not just happen, not only do you not know where they've been, but you don't know what you're going to pass back to your wife or husband.
3) Make sure no one else knows! Even worse than your significant other finding out from you that you're cheating is finding out from your friends, or their friends. Have some common sense.
So pretty much that's it. People are people and inclined to do stupid things, especially with regards to sex. It's all about respect for your significant other.
The answers to this post differ drastically. The conversation moved on to what happens when we find out our partner cheated. Some (me included) admit that we would proabbly be able to deal with cheating, not necessarily breaking the relationship. Others were adamant their partner would get marching orders. The conversation heated up pretty fast, and here are few of the opinions for your entertainment:
1. Of course people make mistakes... and people pay for them. If my partner cheated on me she would be out of the door as fast as I could get her stuff out of the door AND I wouldnt look back. Good riddance to bad rubbish. 2. if u'r not yet married, the moment you start entertaining thoughts about cheating, i think you should question if you really love the person you are with or not. the moment you cheat, get out. dont drag your loved ones to whatever personal crisis you're having. i think u should be responsible for yourself, ur happiness. it's not your partners duty to take care of you and make you happy, but u can share ur happiness and growth with them. if u'r married and one of you gives in to temptation of sleeping with someone else but wants to work it out, i think people should stay and work it out. it's marriage.
3. I don't beleive that cheating on someone once consitutes disrespecting them. It's how you behave afterwards that shows respect or disrespect. Do you flaunt the indiscretion in there face, do you continue, do you leave them for the other person?
4. If you are willing to throw the whole relationship out cause your other got drunk and made a mistake or gave into a bit of temptation, what does that say about how much you love them?
5. If you cheat and you decide that you still love the person you're with and you don't want to leave them, you don't tell them you cheated. You live with the guilt. I think telling is a cop out, it's asking for forgiveness and releaving yourself of the burden of guilt. If you cheated you should live with the guilt.
What is your opinion? Could you ever forgive your partner if you found out? Could you do it yourself? What do you think about the thoughts of the forum members?
Cheating is when you get into a monogamous relationship and make any implicit or explicit sorts of promises of never to cheat. That's cheating oneself by cheating one's subconscience. Promises should never be made. Nothing should! ;^)
i wouldn't do it. the only reason i see myself cheating is if feelings were involved- and if feelings were involved, it gets uch more complicated than a discrete affair.
i understand that shit happens and why/how it happens to other people.. we're human. we fuck up. but honestly, im enjoying the singledom. and i enjoyed the committed relationship stuff too.
if i felt the urge to cheat just for a booty call i think i would reevaluate relationship status and get back to singledom.
I think what is important in a relationship is loyalty, trust and being able to open-up to one another. I'm a human-being and so is my partner, I realise that at some point I/he might feel a little dull having sex with the same person for god-knows how long. I also appreciate the excitment that comes with novelity. Personally, I'd rather have my partner tell me if he fancied someone else sexually, and I'd rather know if he even plans to have an affair. I think infidelity is more likely to happen if you set rules and barriers in the relationship. I think loyalty is much more important than physical faithfulness. I disagree with people who think that you should live with the guilt, because in a relationship there is the two of you and one will only cheat as a consequence of a short-fall of the other. Be it mental, communicative or physical. I don't think I'll leave my partnet if he TELLS me VOLUNTARILY that he cheated, but I'll leave him if I find out from someone else that he cheated.
I hope I'm making sense! it took my fiance some time to comprehend my little head :-)
You are right, nobody can promise "never to cheat". Nor can anybody expect their partner to "never cheat". How we deal with it is another issue altogether.
Chica,
I think there is a world of difference between singledom, committed relationship, and a long term committed relationship/marriage. And our views change drastically as relationships evolve... But I agree with what you said.
Jack,
Till next time? :P
Mimi,
Whoah, blast from the past! This can only mean one thing - you're back in Leeds and have enough free time to read blogs, lol. No, things will never be the same if you find out your partner cheated on you. But lets think about it - whether or not your partner cheated on you, will things be the same 5 years down the road? Nope. And I don't think it's correct to assume that cheating happens only when something is wrong with the relationship. No matter how perfect the relationship, other people won't disappear off the planet :P
TUB,
Spouse swap? Argh no. Not consciously at least! Hmm what would I do if my partner leaves me for another man? I think I'll laugh. I won't be hurt I guess. There is no way I could be a man, so if that's what my partner needs - that's what he should be getting. We can still be friends :P
Babbler,
I think loyalty kicks ass. Fidelity and faithfullness are big words that make little sense. You can be faithful and not loyal at the same time. I think it's even easier. I believe being loyal is the single most important thing in the relationship. Everything else could be built on that. And I disagree that a partner would cheat as a consequence of a short-fall of the other. Not necessarily. But oh yes if I find out from someone else... that's gonna hurt. Better not.
My last relationship was a nightmare, cheat in both sides all the time, he started and i followed him just to put myself in the same level ... bad idea, i think i learn from my mistakes.
I believe that one only cheats if there's something wrong with the relationship a person is in ...the right thing to do is work on the relationship or get out of it.
But people are not always honest enough or brave enough to do that.
I will never do it, so I would expect my partner to never do it too!!
No forgiving .. its trust that at stake here, and I personally cant live without trust .. if I knew my husband cheated once, I would think that every time he is out he is with someone else ..
If my partner cheated and I found out about it, I would turn around and leave. No questions asked. I expect that she would do the same if she found out that i cheated. Hence, the "don't ask don't tell" policy is a good one
Cheating is when you get into a monogamous relationship and make any implicit or explicit sorts of promises of never to cheat. That's cheating oneself by cheating one's subconscience. Promises should never be made. Nothing should! ;^)